Day 20: I'm a Dirty Girl!

7:00 AM:

Dirty 30 day! Excited, this is one of my favorites. And only one more day to go!! I am in the home stretch. Not sure if I will be able to drop all 32 pounds that I have gained so far between today and tomorrow, but can't blame a girl for trying! Let's get dirty!


7:05 AM:

Damn. Up another pound. Tomorrow is yoga day, which doesn't really burn a lot of calories for me, so I am going to have to work like a dog if I'm going to try and lose most of these 34 pounds today.


8:00 AM:

Breakfast time. The Director is trying to feed me three pounds of link sausage. :/  Dropped some innuendo about how I'm a dirty girl and I can take his link sausage however he wants to give it, but he threatened to call my Union rep so I am trying to behave now. I told him I didn't think the sausages would help me drop this weight. He prepared a couple of gallons of his secret weight loss formula and said to just drink that over the course of the day. Not sure if I can stomach it all, but will give it a shot. Drank a quart for breakfast along with a banana and a grapefruit. I pantomimed an oral sexual act with the banana and the grapefruit, the Director was not amused. Promised again to behave.


10:30 AM:

Starting my Dirty 30 workout. Autumn is in a foul mood again, hopefully I can cheer her up. I announced "here comes the Trainwreck!" when I walked in to the studio, but she didn't seem too excited about that.


11:05 AM:

The workout didn't go exactly as I had planned. I tried to slyly swap out my pillows for actual weights, but Autumn wasn't having it. So I tried to exercise double-time, but broke out in a bunch of sweat and Autumn noticed and reprimanded me. I told her I liked it dirty, but she just said I smelled like a rotting carcass and to sit still and try not to get in the way. :/  So I did, but also secretly flexed my pelvic muscles so I could still burn some calories. Then that was actually pretty hot, and I was "getting there" if you know what I am saying. But it was awkward, because the wardrobe kid Jimmy tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I needed a towel right as I was finishing up, and I just kind of twitched and grunted at him.


12:00 PM:

Lunch time. Still working through the weight loss drink, so skipped lunch and drank a gallon of that. It feels like I swallowed a bowling ball.


5:00 PM:

Time for dinner, but truthfully I am still pretty full from trying to choke down this weight loss stuff all day. All I have to say is I better be blazing off some calories with this shit, it tastes horrible. I did manage to eat a couple of KFC drumsticks. Split some Purina with Mittens but I am thinking that may have been a mistake because I can feel it coming back up. :/


9:00 PM:

Just spent an hour and a half in the bathroom. I may have lost most of that 34 pounds after all. Going to try and relax with Mittens and watch the Home Shopping channel. I have my eye on a pearl necklace. Kind of wish the Director was around, I could make all sorts of jokes about that. Probably not a good idea though, with the mood he has been in lately.

Day 19: Cardio... Or Is It?

8:00 AM:

Good morning sunshine! Feeling pretty good coming off yesterday's weight loss. Cardio today though. :/  That is a tough one. Not letting it get me down though. :)


8:05 AM:

Up two pounds. :(


9:00 AM:

Breakfast. The Director brought me doughnuts again but I wasn't having it. He brought me bagels instead, which he says are okay because they are Jewish doughnuts, and when was the last time I saw a fat Jew? He's got a point. They are a slender people. Ate those (actually 13, was a baker's dozen), feeling a little puffy to be honest.


10:30 AM:

Trouble on the set. :/  I got into my workout gear, but my Union rep showed up with some people from legal and they told the Director it would be gross negligence to allow me to do the cardio workout again. The Director said everything about me was gross, which was clever but a little hurtful. :(  Autumn was furious. She said she really needs a Modifier to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Not sure what she meant by that, but I'm thinking it's her time of the month because she is a raging bucket full of bitch today. Anyway, I had to sit out cardio. But then Autumn said that's not far off from what she was thinking anyway, so they dragged my chair into the workout area and just rolled with that. They had this nice guy Steve squeeze up behind me and flop my arms around every so often so it looked like I was moving. That is the most action I have had in awhile, and it was pretty hot to be honest. Maybe a little TMI, but I'm going to be replaying that in my head next time I take a shower pretty sure.


12:00 PM:

Lunch now. The Director brought over two pounds of bacon, which I thought was a little much, but he reminded me that A) it is fried, so counts as a vegetable, and B) that is mostly meat, not fat, so is protein. Also had a glass of his weight loss formula, which to be honest I was doubting a little, but after yesterdays one pound loss I am back on board.


5:00 PM:

Quick shower before dinner. Steve would be blushing for sure if he knew what was about to happen between me and this shower nozzle.


5:30 PM:

Dinner now. Fried chicken is a staple around here now that I have started eating healthy, so got a bucket of KFC and two cans of Purina to split with Mittens.


9:30 PM:

Watching some old Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I know some girls are Team McDreamy, and some are Team McSteamy, but THIS girl is Team McSandwich, if you know what I am saying.

Day 18: Pilates Again

7:00 AM:

Pilates day! I am feeling good this morning. Energized and ready to take on the world!


7:05 AM:

Down 1 pound! Woo hoo! Finally turning the corner I think. I am still up 30 pounds from when I started, but assuming I can drop 10 pounds a day for the last 3 days of my Fix I should be in a pretty good place. Feeling motivated!!


8:00 AM:

Breakfast time. The Director came over to help me plan my meals for today. I started with half a grapefruit. I made some innuendo jokes about the grapefruit, but those were not appreciated. :/  The Director reminded me there may be strict legal consequences. He suggested some Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I told him I wasn't sure if that would really be the best choice, but he said they were diet doughnuts. It looked just like a regular box of doughnuts that someone had written "Diet" on with a Sharpie, but okay. I had seven of those, squished down tight so they would fit in the vegetable container.


10:00 AM:

Autumn is not in the best mood. I told her that her "Trainwreck" was ready to leave the station, but she didn't even chuckle. Her new nickname for me is "The Liability", which I don't really get. But I do know that I'm "liable" to kick some ass at Pilates!


10:35 AM:

Workout finished. Did some "plunking" and a little bit of stretching but mostly tried to stay out of Autumn's way. She accidentally kicked me a few times, but after the sixth time I was wondering if maybe it wasn't an accident. :/


12:00 PM:

Lunch now. The Director brought me a jar of pickled pig's feet from the 7-Eleven down the road. Apparently the pickling burns fat? I have seen those in gas stations for years but never tempted to try one. They are actually pretty delicious. Tastes like a rubbery pickle, which is good in my book! I even "traded" one to Mittens for a few bites of Purina.


5:00 PM:

Excited for this evening. Ready for this? I have a DATE!! Yes, friends, it's really happening. I met this gentleman online, meeting for dinner in half an hour.


5:45 PM:

Well, THAT was awkward. :/  Apparently I am not hip on the lingo the dating scene is using these days. Turns out being "into furries" does NOT mean you like an unshaved lady. His costume was incredible but I could tell there was no love connection. I got some pasta and a bucket of chicken wings to go.


9:00 PM:

Tucking in. Watching some romantic comedy with Mark Wahlberg. Remember when he was in Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch? You could bounce a quarter off that tush. I bet you still can!

Day 17: Taking Care Of My Lowers

7:30 AM:

Waking up a little sore today. I feel like I was really pushing it yesterday, hoping for some impressive results today. :)

7:35 AM:

Up 1 pound. :/

8:10 AM:

Having a hard-boiled egg for breakfast. Got a note from the Director reminding me to drink a tall glass of his special workout supplement. I didn't think my stomach could take it, but getting used to it now.

10:30 AM:

On set, ready to work my "lowers". Let's get some action down there!

11:05 AM:

Workout finished. Made a couple of jokes about the Director working my lowers, but he didn't appreciate that. A restraining order was mentioned. :/  Autumn gave me a special "Modifier's Chair" to sit in. I wasn't directly on camera, but the Director says they have enough footage and I should just relax and enjoy the workout. Gave me a big tub of buttered popcorn which I thought was sweet. I told him he can check out my lowers anytime, but he threatened to call my Union rep so I was pretty much quiet after that.

12:00 PM:

Went to a fancy bistro to treat myself to a nice lunch. Asked the waiter about vegetarian options. Almost went with a pasta primavera, even though that has a lot of carbs, but then I saw they had a fried chicken platter -- hello?!? Vegetarians really need to get the word out on the street about the whole frying thing. Topped it with mashed potatoes and gravy since condiments are free on the Fix. Delicious!

5:30 PM:

Dinner time. I am super hungry but really want to eat light. Having some broccoli, sautéed mushrooms, kale salad, and a quart of the Director's weight loss drink.

9:30 PM:

Movie night! Super excited, there is a "Look Who's Talking" marathon on TBS. If there's anything cuter than talking babies, I'd sure like to know about it!

Day 16: Upper Fixing

6:00 AM:

Up with the sun. Not gonna lie, day after Cardio is rough. I feel like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. Speaking of pounds, though, yesterday was high-activity and I'm thinking I may be turning the corner here. Put my slippers on, and I feel lighter already. :)  Feeding Mittens and then on to weigh-in.


6:05 AM:

Up 1 pound. This is seriously fucking depressing. :/


6:30 AM:

Breakfast time. Determined to eat light, had half a grapefruit. The Director stopped by and told me I was skin and bones. I told him I hadn't lost any weight yet, but he told me that is normal and don't be discouraged. Offered me some Krispy Kreme doughnuts, but I said I really wanted to go slim today. He is sweet, totally understood. He gave me a glass of weight loss supplement "under the table". I guess we're not really supposed to go off-program but wink-wink -- I'll take what I can get! It wasn't very yummy, tasted like I was drinking a glass of olive oil, but he assures me it's an old family recipe that will melt the fat away. Sign me up!


10:00 AM:

On set and ready for the Upper Fix. I have always been proud of my arms; most ladies of my particular girth have "turkey arms" but mine have always been relatively smooth, so there is that.


10:45 AM:

Workout finished. I started to get my weights out, but the Director said that I should probably just wave my arms around instead. I thought that might look a little weird but he said we already had lots of footage of me so might end up on the cutting room floor anyway. I wanted to go ahead and participate, but he took me off to the side and sneaked me another pitcher of his "family recipe" weight loss drink. To be honest, it was a little difficult to stomach but if it will help -- I am all in!


12:00 PM:

Lunch now. I feel really full (must be that drink working its magic). I had an apple and a quarter cup of green beans. The Director says to kick start the drink I need some protein though. I was looking at having a little bit of baked chicken, but he reminded me about the vegetable thing and got me a bucket of KFC. I didn't think I would be able to finish it, but he said the more protein the better, so 3 wings and 2 breasts later here I am.


6:00 PM:

Mittens is starving, and I'm a little hungry again now too, so making some dinner. We both like tuna fish, so split a few cans with Mittens. We both like the Purina too, so had a can each of that for dessert.


8:00 PM:

Tucking in early. Snuggled up with Mittens, going to fall asleep to some Honey Boo-Boo on Netflix.

Day 15: Fuck me, more cardio

7:00 AM:

I love the morning after yoga day! So refreshed and calm. Hoping for a great day filled with amazing things!


7:05 AM:

Up 2 pounds. :(


9:00 AM:

Breakfast time. The Director wants to plug some Shakeology stuff, so made a bunch of shakes and took pictures of me drinking them. There were like 5 flavors, so I had to have 5 shakes, which was a lot. The Director told me we are allowed to mix stuff in, like kale or carrots or (in my case) Chunky Monkey ice cream. Delicious!


11:30 AM:

Usually I like to get lunch after my Fix workout, but the Director says I need to keep my strength up for cardio. I had 2 fried chickens (vegetarian!), which were delicious but frankly not sitting too well with all the shakes in my tummy. :/


11:40 AM:

Starting cardio. I am a little bit nervous, told the Director I wasn't feeling that great. He said it was okay because I don't look that great either. Not sure what that means, but here we go.


12:00 PM:

Everybody is a little bit unhappy with me. Made it about halfway through my cardio fix and then kind of exploded out of both ends. Autumn was nice about it, told everyone she knew I was a trainwreck :) but the Director was super frustrated. I don't think I will be able to rescue these pants. :(


5:00 PM:

The Director came by and apologized for yelling at me earlier. Such a sweet man! He brought me a couple of Big Macs as a peace offering. I wasn't sure if I could eat that on my plan but he said he looked it up and it was okay. :)


8:00 PM:

Turning in early. I am a little bit tired after my gastrointestinal "whoopsie".  Curling up with Mittens to find some George Clooney on Netflix -- hubba hubba!

Day 14: Ahh, Yoga

6:00 AM:

Up with the sun. Today is our "rest" day, with yoga -- I feel like I have earned it! Been a rough couple of weeks. Hoping to plow through and see some results this coming week. Still have my eye on that bikini in the back of my closet. :)


6:05 AM:

Maybe go with a tankini this season. :(  Up 3 pounds.


6:15 AM:

Breakfast time. The Director tells me I need a lot of protein, so gave me 4 pounds of link sausage in my special container. I told him I thought that had a lot of fat, too, but he said with all the exercise that fat will get converted to more protein, and all of the protein turns in to muscle. I was still a little concerned about gaining weight, even if it is muscle, but he said all my new muscles will be so strong they will beat my fat into submission.


10:30 AM:

Ready for yoga. The Director has put a blanket and pillow on my yoga mat, just in case I get sleepy. I told him not a chance -- I am working hard! He crushed up an "energy pill" into a bottle of water and had me drink that. Feeling a little groggy now.


1:00 PM:

Just woke up on my yoga mat. Missing a couple of hours, feels like a date I once went on in college.


1:30 PM:

Late lunch. Hungry after my nap earlier, so filled my special container with some double cheeseburgers from McDonald's. Going to try to treat myself to a movie in the theater, looks like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2" is a winner!


2:15 PM:

Got turned away at the theater because they wouldn't let me bring Mittens. "Service Animal" is clearly crocheted on her carry sack, so I'm not sure what part of that they didn't understand. :/


6:30 PM:

Dinner now. Hadn't used my vegetable container yet, so I got a bunch of steamed broccoli. It was pretty bland, so I was looking for some seasoning. The Director reminded me that toppings are free, so I topped it with some shredded pork BBQ.


9:00 PM:

Cuddling with Mittens. Flipping over to Netflix to fall asleep to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", the first one. It's a classic!

Day 13: Gettin' Dirty

8:00 AM:

Slept in a little bit. I figure I deserve it after the grueling cardio yesterday. Mittens was not so happy, woke to her batting at my mouth with her little paws. Was cute, then I realized she had just visited the litter box. Yuck!


8:05 AM:

Up 2 pounds. :(  I thought after no gain yesterday I might be turning this thing around, but maybe will take a couple of days to stabilize.


8:30 AM:

Breakfast time. It's Dirty 30 day, so the Director is texting me to make sure to carb load. Chugged a box of dry cream of wheat. A little pasty, but I am all fueled up now. :)


10:00 AM:

Time to get dirty! :)  I am making lots of innuendo jokes like that on the set to keep the mood cheerful. "Who's a dirty girl?", "I like it dirty folks!", "Fuck me in my dirty ass!", stuff like that. Every group needs a comedian!


10:05 AM:

Autumn just told me my innuendos were making her nauseous and to stop or she would kick my teeth in. That was not super friendly.


10:45 AM:

Workout done. I did my Plunking like before. The Director gave me a couple pillows again, instead of the weights, and also a fitness shake which tastes pretty much exactly like a McDonald's ice cream shake. I can live with THIS kind of fitness!!


12:00 PM:

Lunch now. I was going to go light, but the Director is telling me to keep carb loading. I wasn't sure why, since the workout is already done, but he explained that you have to keep loading for a 24-hour period. He filled my special container with cheese fries, and said if necessary I can get a refill. I hardly think it will be necessary though, this is a lot of fries.


12:20 PM:

My tummy hurts a little. Should not have taken the Director up on that second helping of fries. Or the third.


5:00 PM:

Feeling better, and ready for dinner. Had a few cans of tuna which I split with Mittens. We girls know how to look out for each other! Had a couple cans of Purina too, that stuff IS really tasty.


8:30 PM:

All snuggled up. Watching some Sex & The City. If Carrie ends up with this old ballet guy, I am going to be SO disappointed.

Day 12: Fuck, more Cardio

6:00 AM:

Dreading today a little bit. Cardio days are not my best days. :/  I don't really have a body type that is well suited to that kind of workout. I guess that is why I signed up for the program though. I am all in! Hoping to see some results soon.

6:05 AM:

Same weight as yesterday. Haven't gained anything, so maybe I am turning the corner. :)

8:30 AM:

Breakfast time. Started out with half an English muffin. The Director showed up with a bucket of sausage links, but had to make a call to the Legal Department first. Said something about a signature in place and all good, then told me sausage is a great workout fuel for the heart. He's the boss!

9:30 AM:

Starting cardio, ready to burn baby burn!!

10:10 AM:

Blacked out somewhere in the middle of Jumping Johns. Don't really remember the past 20 minutes, and I feel like I am maybe only breathing with one of my lungs.

12:00 PM:

Lunch time. I was trying to eat light after that little episode, but the Director says he doesn't want me wasting away to nothing so brought me a half rack of ribs. Have to admit, they WERE delicious.

6:00 PM:

Dinner now. Had a few more ribs, and a salad. Was out of lettuce so I substituted fried chicken as my vegetable. Fed Mittens also. Not saying I DID sneak some Purina, but not saying I DIDN'T either. ;)

9:00 AM:

Turning in early. "Titanic" is on HBO, and you KNOW how I feel about my Leonardo. :)

Day 11: Pilates Again!

7:00 AM:

Up bright and early for Pilates day! This is one of my favorites, I like getting my limber on. I am feeling slinky already! ;)


7:05 AM:

Up 2 pounds. :/


8:10 AM:

Breakfast time. The Director told me I should "carb load", so lots of bagels stuffed in my container. I feel a little bloated, but the Director says that is what we are shooting for.


10:00 AM:

Pilates time. Ready to get my flex on... look out, here comes the "Trainwreck"!


10:35 AM:

I'm not sure I'm getting the full benefit of this program as "The Modifier". I started doing all the stretchy stuff, but Autumn was like "whoa... let's slow it down for the slower learners at home." So I ended up mostly just lying there, while the Director brought me cocktail weenies from catering. Autumn assures me I'm still working hard though.


12:45 PM:

Lunchtime. The Director treated me to a fancy lunch at T.G.I. Friday's. Such a sweet man! He said I needed to make sure I stayed hydrated, so got a pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea. Delicious! I was feeling a little bit loopy, so kept my guard up in case he tried anything romantic. Although, just between us girls, I wouldn't have put up much of a fight. ;)  Between the free-flowing cocktails and the 90s pop rock songs playing over the bar, I would have been all over him like stink on a monkey. Then he pulled out some legal papers, something about a medical release for Cardio tomorrow. Not sure. But I was ready to release pretty much anything at that point.


2:30 PM:

Barfed all over the backseat of the Uber ride back to my apartment. :(


6:30 PM:

Dinner. Hungry as a horse after the Uber incident. Picked up a rotisserie chicken, but I wanted to count it as a vegetable so had to deep fry it first.


9:30 PM:

Tucking in with Mittens. "Honey Boo Boo" is on. I can SO relate to that family. :)

Day 10: Fixing My Lowers

6:00 AM:

Up bright and early, and holy moley do my arms hurt! Yesterday was a big workout for me. I can practically feel the pounds pouring off -- feeling motivated!


6:05 AM:

Shit. Up one pound. :(


6:30 AM:

Breakfast time. I really want to go light this morning. Half a grapefruit, and a couple of almonds.


6:35 AM:

The Director stopped by to fill my special container with biscuits and gravy. Guilty pleasure of mine, but I was firm and said I really wanted to cut some calories. He told me he might have to strap on a feed bag. I thought he was joking, but then he pulled out an actual feed bag. :/  I said okay to the biscuits and gravy. He told me it's really important as "The Modifier" to not screw around with the system. Trusting him for now, but seems a little sketchy.


10:30 AM;

Ready to work my "lowers". I'm assuming that is Leg Day again, but a girl can hope. :)


11:05 AM:

Yes, just the legs. :/  Autumn gave me a chair and had me do "sits" while the others did squats. I tried to get up and work along with the squatters, but she gave me a dirty look and asked if I was going to be a problem child. She's the expert, I guess.


12:30 PM:

Lunch time. I'm really hungry, even after the biscuits and gravy, so swung by Hardee's for a Thickburger. When I pulled up to the drive-thru window, the guy said the person behind me in line had paid, and gave me two free burgers. I look back, and there is the Director giving me thumbs up. Such a sweet man!


5:45 PM:

Dinner with Mittens. I had a vegetable left, so went with a bucket of KFC. The girl at the counter was confused when I mentioned I was going with the vegetarian option, guessing she didn't know about frying the meat out.


9:00 PM:

Snuggled up and watching old "Golden Girls" reruns. That Blanche is one spicy tomato!

Day 9: Upper Fixing It

6:30 AM:

Up with the sun! I think I am hitting my stride with this program. Had a cup of cottage cheese. The Director reminded me that fruits are practically free, so filled my special container with strawberry jelly. Delicious, and I am feeling motivated!


8:00 AM:

Also feeling a little heavy. Up 2 pounds. :/


8:30 AM:

I mentioned to the Director that I was still a little nervous about not seeing any weight loss. Or, to be more exact, 20 pounds of weight gain. He mentioned that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that my case in particular is probably a little more effort. I told him I wanted to look good for beach season. He said I would "certainly be something" and that if I did get down to the beach, maybe keep an eye out for whalers. I'm assuming they get like sailors on shore leave or something -- in which case, sign this girl up!


10:30 AM:

Ready to work the arms. Let's do this!


11:05 AM:

Don't mean to brag, but I rocked that! Had to do some serious planking (well, "plunking"). I didn't really feel like I was pushing my limits, but Autumn said to relax and that I was working plenty hard. I asked if maybe I should be lifting my stomach off the ground, but she said "let's not get too crazy" and said as long as I wasn't rolling around on the floor I should be good.


12:30 PM:

A little bit of a late lunch. The Director had filled my special container with bacon double cheeseburgers, which I thought might not be the best nutritional choice but he assures me it is good arm fuel. He says it's what truckers eat, and they arm wrestle all the time, so maybe there is something to that.


5:30 PM:

A romantic dinner for two -- me and my girl Mittens! Had a small piece of grilled chicken, a quarter cup of broccoli, and split 3 cans of Purina with Mittens.


8:30 PM:

Tucking in early to get rested for tomorrow. Leg day, I think. I am feeling optimistic! :) Putting on some Dr. Phil that I DVR'd from this afternoon. I have never met Dr. Phil, but I feel like we are on the same wavelength -- that man gets me, for sure!

Day 8: MORE Cardio?!?

8:00 AM:

Slept in. Yoga was restful, and now I am refreshed -- look out world, ready to start Week 2! Have to feed Mittens, but realized I ate all her cat food. :/  Found some cans of tuna fish in the pantry, so all good. I had half an apple, and 3 egg McMuffins from my special container. I am up another pound, but the Director tells me that is normal; says I should start seeing the weight drop off around Day 19 or so. I guess this is a program you really need to stick with to see results.


10:00 AM:

Carb loading with a baker's dozen of glazed doughnuts. I will need that boost of energy to make it through Cardio. Not gonna lie, these are my hardest workouts. Feeling strong though. Autumn nicknamed me "The Trainwreck", and she is right -- I am going to plow right through this workout!


10:45 AM:

Paramedics had some strong words for the Director. I think it was a misunderstanding though. They said it is horrifying for someone in my "condition" to be attempting this workout, so maybe thought I was pregnant. Ain't no bun in THIS oven!


11:30 AM:

Had half a cup of yogurt for lunch. The Director brought me a "get well" basket with a three pound kielbasa, so I counted that as my protein. I feel stronger already!


4:30 PM:

Went by the grocery store and picked up some cat food for Mittens. There was a new Chicken 'n' Liver flavor, so I figured she would like that as a special treat. Also, it sounded kind of delicious, so I grabbed a couple of cans for myself. They fit right in my purse, so are a good snack for an "on the go" girl like me.


6:00 PM:

Dinner time. I read about how baking is healthier than frying. So doing baked chicken, baked potatoes, and baked bacon. I also baked a cake, and a honey baked ham for later.


8:30 PM:

I figure this counts as later, so ate the cake and ham. I was concerned about my containers, but the Director says it's okay if the food doesn't technically "fit" in anything. It's more a concept or rule of thumb.


10:30 PM:

Snuggled up with Mittens, putting on some old "Charles in Charge". I have always had a soft spot for Scott Baio. SO dreamy!!!

Day 7: Namaste!

7:00 AM:

Waking up rested, ready for yoga day! This is right up my alley. I am always down for some dog, if you know what I am saying. ;) Starting my day with a healthy breakfast of a hardboiled egg and a quarter of a banana. I am up 3 pounds, so want to try and eat light today.


7:30 AM:

Got a text from the Director saying I will need to stay "on program" and get some extra protein. He recommended I fill my special container with corned beef hash and/or cat food. I thought at first that was a pun about my name, but he said "no, literal cat food. Purina or something. That stuff is loaded." I still felt a little weird about raiding Mittens' stash, so went with corned beef hash.


9:00 AM:

Feeling peaceful, ready for yoga! I have never been the most flexible person, so looking forward to this. It has been at least four years since I have seen my toes, let alone touched them, so I am thinking this will be really good for me.


9:35 AM:

Well, that was weird. :/  Autumn was going around "adjusting" everyone, but just kept kind of pushing me facedown against the floor. I hardly moved at all, but when I tried to get up she just said "this time, stay down." I guess some kind of resting yoga? Or like burning calories indirectly? She's the expert I guess.


11:30 AM:

Lunch time. Was feeding Mittens, and I figured what the heck. Purina really does taste like beef and gravy, it's kind of delicious. This would be awesome on mashed potatoes.


11:35 AM:

Mashed potatoes with purina. This cat food is Cat food for sure!


1:30 PM:

Explosive diarrhea. I'm guessing there's a reason cat food isn't people food. :(


6:00 PM:

Stomach has calmed down somewhat. Trying just a piece of whole wheat bread for dinner.


6:05 PM:

The Director texted to tell me I need more bread to balance out my stomach issues. I ate the rest of the loaf, but now I feel a little queasier than I did before.  Took a Zofran.


9:00 PM:

Feeling much better now. Had some fried chicken as my vegetable on the Director's suggestion. This is a really confusing diet. I have some vegetarian friends and I swear they have NEVER eaten fried chicken. The Director says frying takes the meat out. Who knew?


10:00 PM:

Painting my toenails, relaxing with a glass of merlot, and watching Downton Abbey. This girl knows how to treat herself!

Day 6: I'm a "Dirty Girl"

7:00 AM:

Super tired today after cardio, had a hard time waking up to the alarm clock. Finally woke to my cat, Mittens, pawing me in the face. Need to get motivated! Today is the "Dirty 30". Not sure what that is, but it sounds sexy! Swimsuit season is just around the corner, can't wait to see if this fix is paying off yet.


7:05 AM:

Shit. Up 1 pound. :(


8:15 AM:

Breakfast time. Had my special container filled with cream of wheat, but the Director pointed out that I can fit more in if I don't add water and just eat the powder. It was a little hard to choke down, but I figure that will get more of the healthy in my stomach. Also had a small strip of bacon, and for my vegetable I filled my green container with the bacon grease. I didn't think that counted as a vegetable, but the Director told me that since I took the bacon out, it is really just vitamins left over and counts as a vegan treat. The things you learn on this diet!


11:30 AM:

Lunchtime. I had a small bowl of Kale and 5 olives. Then the Director told me that Day 6 is burger day. I didn't see that on the pamphlet anywhere, but he's the boss. I splurged and got a "Triple Monster" at Hardee's. That is my own invention; it's the same as the "Monster Thickburger", but triple meat. I figure that makes it low carb, high protein -- perfect workout fuel!


1:30 PM:

Ready to get "Dirty"! I had to ask the Director, because I wasn't sure what to expect here. He says the motto for this workout is "Don't wish for it - work for it!" That was pretty inspiring, then he explained that for "The Modifier" we need to revise that to just "Don't work!" He says not to worry, I'll still be reaping the rewards, just working smarter instead of harder. I can deal with that! There were lots of weights and dumbbells, but the Director gave me two small pillows instead. I started lifting them, but he explained they were for "strategic rest stops". Also did some Plunking with leg lifts, but I just had to lie on my stomach and prop my legs up with the pillows.

2:15 PM:

Hitting the shower. Just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror -- maybe it's my imagination, but I think I look slimmer already. Maybe a summer beach romance in my future! Feeling sexy. That's why we have the detachable shower nozzles, am I right ladies? Maybe TMI? ;)

6:30 PM:

Dinner time. Eating light to keep burning those calories. Went strictly vegetables and bacon grease. This girl is in it to win it!

9:30 PM

Tucking in with some Sex & The City. I am SUCH a Samantha!

Day 5: Cardio = Hardio

6:30 AM:

Up bright and early, ready to face the day! Waking up refreshed with a smile on my face, because I'm on an express train to a healthier me. :)

6:35 AM:

Motherfucker. Up 3 pounds.

7:15 AM:

Breakfast time. I am a little discouraged, so eating light. A quarter cup of cauliflower and a wedge of grapefruit. :)

7:30 AM:

And four pounds of bacon.

10:30 AM:

The Director says I have the day off from filming, tells me I need to do Cardio day again. Yikes! That was a tuffy. He says to make sure I carb up first. Ordered a pizza from Domino's, ready to rock and roll. :)  Let's go cardio!!

10:47 AM:

I'm pretty sure something popped inside my chest.

2:20 PM:

Doctors say I had a "mild myocardial infarction". The Director says it sounds like I worked a little too hard. Recommends I fill my special container with Rocky Road ice cream, curl up with my favorite movie, and get some rest. Sounds good to me! "Dirty Dancing", here we come!

3:50 PM:

Say what you will, but I just cannot suck down half a pound of beef jerky without thinking about Patrick Swayze. He is an angel with an ass made of solid alabaster.

7:30 PM:

Ending the day with a last quarter cup of cauliflower. Ready for whatever tomorrow brings!

7:35 PM:

And a half rack of ribs.

Day 4: Pilates here I come!

6:00 AM:

Up bright and early! After leg day, I'm excited to kick back and relax for Pilates day. I'm not 100% on what that is, but the Director tells me it has catered hot wings, so bring it on! I think there is lots of stretching involved - looking forward to getting limber!


6:05 AM:

Up 2 more pounds. :(  I'm going to see if I can get away with skipping my special container. I'm not sure I'm getting the results I want out of the program.


7:00 AM:

Delicious breakfast. The Director tells me pancakes can be used as a vegetable, so packing those in there. I had my special container empty, but the Director reminded me that condiments are free and filled it with maple syrup. Such a sweet guy!


10:00 AM:

Breaking out the Pilates - look out world! Tasty breakfast first. I LOVE maple syrup. I have a recurring dream where Leonardo DiCaprio lays me out in a bathtub, paints me with syrup, and eats me like Aunt Jemima. :)


10:35 AM:

Pilates was... interesting.  The Director said for this one I was pretty much just going to lie on the ground. I was concerned it wouldn't be a good workout, but he said they had some heat lamps from the Burger King across the street that they would shine on me so people watching the DVD could tell I was still working. Pretty sure my sweat is about 30% maple syrup. I stink like a Cracker Barrel during breakfast rush. SO tasty though. :)


3:00 PM:

Somehow missed some ham hocks in the bottom of my special container. Must have been under the syrup. Snack time!


6:00 PM:

Finishing off my containers for the day. My protein was butter. The Director says it's the good kind of fat, like avocado or boobs.


10:00 PM:

I am ungodly hungry. Chugged some more maple syrup. Sweet dreams about Leonardo in my future, pretty sure.

Day 3: Legs

6:00 AM:

Up early to start my leg day! I am up 4 pounds. :/ The Director tells me this is normal for "The Modifier" so I am staying the course. I figure I will need a lot of energy for leg day, so I crammed Krispy Kreme doughnuts into ALL of my containers. A little concerned I didn't have enough protein, so also ate some pork chops. Didn't even use my special Modifier container, so I am running with the big dogs today!!

8:30 AM:

The Director says he really needs me to use the special container. I asked for lettuce but he said he misheard me. It looks like maybe he filled it with Crisco instead. Says it is "workout fuel". Fingers crossed.

10:30 AM:

I am trying to finish this container but not really hungry. Director is spoon-feeding me Crisco, says it will make me look better on camera. I'm skeptical.

5:30 PM:

Leg day workout was tough, to say the least. I vomited Crisco on the girl next to me, but she was really nice about it. "Swats" were confusing. Everyone was doing squats, but the Director said I needed to "modify" those. I tried just squatting a little bit, but he told me to just sit down and flop my arms around a little.

8:30 PM:

Bedtime. I don't have any containers left, but online I read that you can eat as much celery as you want. I ate 2 pounds, dipped in chocolate.

Day 2: Arms - Holy Moly!

8:45 AM:

Breakfast time, Day 2! I am up 3 pounds, but not feeling discouraged. Still feeling "the burn" from those Jumping Johns and Sitdowns I did yesterday. For breakfast I had 1/4 cup of yogurt, half a banana, and a large biscuits 'n' gravy from Bojangles. I was a little hesitant on that last one but the Director assures me as long as it fits in one of my containers it's okay.

11:00 AM:

Time to work the arms. I am nervous, I have never really had "cut" biceps.

11:10 AM:

Started to do the planking, but the Director told me that as "The Modifier" I should just lie down and think about planking really hard. I made some strained faces so he would know I am really serious about this.

12:00 PM:

How did this cheeseburger get back in here? Delicious!

3:00 PM:

I think I had a minor heart attack, but I am in it to win it!


9:00 PM:

Containers are all done, but sneaking a half-gallon of Chunky Monkey ice cream to celebrate my 2-day milestone.

Day 1: Here I am!

8:30 AM:

Here I am, Day 1. This is exciting, I have never really had a "beach body" but I am SO going for it. The Director just called me over, said I will be "The Modifier". I'm not really sure what that means yet.


9:00 AM:

So apparently "The Modifier" is on a special plan. I have my containers, but the Director says for authenticity I am also getting a special 7th container:

I am allowed to put whatever I want in this container, but I have to substitute one of my proteins. Packed a cheeseburger.


11:00 AM:

Workout time! I am ready to burn some calories, folks! Ate my cheeseburger to carb load. Hang on, the Director is calling me over.


11:05 AM:

Okay, so as "The Modifier" I'm supposed to do some special exercises, or "modify" the regular exercises. It's starting to make sense now, so I am totally onboard.


11:10 AM:

A little confused just now. Started doing the Total Cardio, but the Director tells me that for "The Modifier" they only want about 35% Cardio. I started to ask about that, but they assure me I will be totally working it, so just rolling with it for now. I could have sworn I ate the cheeseburger I packed in my Special Container earlier, but I just looked and it's still there.


11:35 AM:

Workout done, I am spent. Ate my cheeseburger and chugged my other containers. Still hungry though, wish I could have another snack.


12:45 PM:

Hang on, I thought I ate this cheeseburger already? Still hungry, so eating it now.


5:45 PM:

Was hoping I could stick to the plan, but had to cheat a little since I finished my containers so early. Got a bucket of chicken from KFC, and apparently I forgot to eat the cheesburger I packed earlier so ate that too.